Communication in Personal Relationships (DP IB Psychology)
Revision Note
Self-disclosure
Self-disclosure is the act of revealing personal information about the self to another person
The nature of self-disclosure and how much is revealed will depend on a number of factors:
The person to whom the details are disclosed e.g. a romantic partner
The stage of the relationship, for example:
in the first few weeks
after several months
after several years (even though self-disclosure is a factor in attraction it still continues as the relationship progresses)
The person who is disclosing the information
The nature of the details being disclosed, for example:
banal details e.g. ‘I went to St Freud’s school’
controversial announcements e.g. ‘I have spent time in prison’
The reasons behind the self-disclosure, for example:
to cement a bond of trust between the partners perhaps
to encourage self-disclosure from the other person (known as reciprocity)
Self-disclosure is not a set and stable type of communication: it is likely to vary per individual depending on their age, their relationship status, their profession, their mood etc.
Social Penetration Theory (SPT) suggested by Altman & Taylor (1973) describes the process of self-disclosure:
It begins with shallow levels of disclosure and gradually progresses deeper as the person reveals evermore private information about themselves
Figure 1: Social Penetration Theory
Superficial self-disclosure might include details of where someone lives; their job; their hobbies; the information has some breadth but not much depth
Intimate self-disclosure might include someone’s ambitions; previous relationship history; a fall-out they had with their mother
Personal self-disclosure starts to go deeper into areas such as hopes; desires; mistakes made in the past; insecurities etc.
Core self-disclosure has real depth and possibly less breadth as someone may only have a few (or choose to disclose only a few) details which are buried deep within the layers of their psyche e.g. their innermost fears, something they feel guilty or embarrassed about; something that risks rejection from their partner
As each layer is ‘peeled’ away the relationship (according to SPT) becomes stronger
John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Gottman (1983) had been studying the ways in which couples deal with conflict in the relationship
Gottman was able to distinguish two types of couples from his research:
Relationship masters
Relationship disasters
The ‘disaster’ couples shared four common behaviours (i.e. the ‘Four Horsemen’) which, essentially, doomed their relationship to failure:
The First Horseman: Criticism, for example:
Using a ‘harsh start-up’ to begin a conversation e.g. ‘You always do X and I hate it!’
The focus is on the other person being wrong/at fault/to blame and the person initiating the criticism being right/faultless/blameless
Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to criticism is to advise the ‘blamer’ to identify what it is that they need before confronting their partner
The Second Horseman: Defensiveness, for example:
Using defensiveness as a response to the feeling of being attacked e.g. ‘Well, what about you, you’re just as bad!’;
The focus is on scoring points so as to avoid any accusation of fault
Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to defensiveness is to take responsibility; to listen to what the other person is saying and to find out what they are feeling
Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to criticism is to advise the ‘blamer’ to identify what it is that they need before confronting their partner
The Third Horseman: Contempt, for example:
Talking down to the other person e.g. ‘Why do you always go on like this, you’re pathetic!’’
The focus is on showing superiority and an ‘I know better’ attitude
Gottman claimed that contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce
Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to contempt is to show love for the other person; building a ‘culture of appreciation’
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling, for example:
Refusing to continue the argument e.g. ‘I’m not going to discuss this topic.’’
The focus is on the growing resentment of the ‘stonewalled’ partner as they feel unheard and rejected
Gottman claimed that contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce
Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to stonewalling is to find a sense of calm from which it is possible to discuss difficult topics without feeling overwhelmed by emotion
Research which investigates communication in personal relationships
Collins & Miller (1994): self-disclosure and relationship maintenance
Levenson & Gottman (1983): the Four Horsemen and marriage
Collins & Miller (1994) and Levenson & Gottman (1983) are available as ‘Two Key Studies of Communication in Personal Relationships’ – just navigate the Role of Communication section to find them.
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