Communication in Personal Relationships (DP IB Psychology)

Self-disclosure 

• Self-disclosure is the act of revealing personal information about the self to another person

• The nature of self-disclosure and how much is revealed will depend on a number of factors:

  • The person to whom the details are disclosed e.g. a romantic partner

  • The stage of the relationship, for example:

    • in the first few weeks

    • after several months

    • after several years (even though self-disclosure is a factor in attraction it still continues as the relationship progresses)

  • The person who is disclosing the information 

  • The nature of the details being disclosed, for example:

    • banal details e.g. ‘I went to St Freud’s school’

    • controversial announcements e.g. ‘I have spent time in prison’

  • The reasons behind the self-disclosure, for example: 

    • to cement a bond of trust between the partners perhaps

    • to encourage self-disclosure from the other person (known as reciprocity)

• Self-disclosure is not a set and stable type of communication: it is likely to vary per individual depending on their age, their relationship status, their profession, their mood etc.

• Social Penetration Theory (SPT) suggested by Altman & Taylor (1973) describes the process of self-disclosure:

  • It begins with shallow levels of disclosure and gradually progresses deeper as the person reveals evermore private information about themselves

Figure 1: Social Penetration Theory

• Superficial self-disclosure might include details of where someone lives; their job; their hobbies; the information has some breadth but not much depth

• Intimate self-disclosure might include someone’s ambitions; previous relationship history; a fall-out they had with their mother

• Personal self-disclosure starts to go deeper into areas such as hopes; desires; mistakes made in the past; insecurities etc.

• Core self-disclosure has real depth and possibly less breadth as someone may only have a few (or choose to disclose only a few) details which are buried deep within the layers of their psyche e.g. their innermost fears, something they feel guilty or embarrassed about; something that risks rejection from their partner

• As each layer is ‘peeled’ away the relationship (according to SPT) becomes stronger

John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• Gottman (1983) had been studying the ways in which couples deal with conflict in the relationship

• Gottman was able to distinguish two types of couples from his research:

  • Relationship masters

  • Relationship disasters

• The ‘disaster’ couples shared four common behaviours (i.e. the ‘Four Horsemen’) which, essentially, doomed their relationship to failure:

  • The First Horseman: Criticism, for example:

    • Using a ‘harsh start-up’ to begin a conversation e.g. ‘You always do X and I hate it!’

    • The focus is on the other person being wrong/at fault/to blame and the person initiating the criticism being right/faultless/blameless

  • Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to criticism is to advise the ‘blamer’ to identify what it is that they need before confronting their partner

  • The Second Horseman: Defensiveness, for example:

    • Using defensiveness as a response to the feeling of being attacked e.g. ‘Well, what about you, you’re just as bad!’; 

    • The focus is on scoring points so as to avoid any accusation of fault

  • Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to defensiveness is to take responsibility; to listen to what the other person is saying and to find out what they are feeling

  • Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to criticism is to advise the ‘blamer’ to identify what it is that they need before confronting their partner

  • The Third Horseman: Contempt, for example:

    • Talking down to the other person e.g. ‘Why do you always go on like this, you’re pathetic!’’

    • The focus is on showing superiority and an ‘I know better’ attitude

    • Gottman claimed that contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce

  • Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to contempt is to show love for the other person; building a ‘culture of appreciation’ 

  • The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling, for example:

    • Refusing to continue the argument e.g. ‘I’m not going to discuss this topic.’’

    • The focus is on the growing resentment of the ‘stonewalled’ partner as they feel unheard and rejected

    • Gottman claimed that contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce

  • Gottman’s ‘antidote’ to stonewalling is to find a sense of calm from which it is possible to discuss difficult topics without feeling overwhelmed by emotion

Research which investigates communication in personal relationships

• Collins & Miller (1994): self-disclosure and relationship maintenance

• Levenson & Gottman (1983): the Four Horsemen and marriage

Collins & Miller (1994) and Levenson & Gottman (1983) are available as ‘Two Key Studies of Communication in Personal Relationships’ – just navigate the Role of Communication section to find them.